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Terminator X: Abomination

One of the major advantages of running your own zine is that you get to work with some great geeks. One day while I was hangin’ out in Forbidden Planet I was recognised (eugghh) by a fellow weblogger. He knew all too well the ongoing battle between me and SexyPete99. Don’t worry, he’s on our side! Anyway we got to chattin’ over a mocha at the local independent coffee house (he had a cappuchino) (Has Beans, Guildford high street – check it out).

He knew a lot more about computer programming than I do (and I know alot – coding for one of the largest solar panel installation companies in the South East has some effect bro) and he said he could set up a special webzone to allow opensource writing projects. Err, yes please! This is the result. Enjoy!!

Terminator X: Abomination

‘If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.’ – Leviticus 20:13, King James Bible.

Thuds and cracks flash over the sky casting a shimmering blue light over the Terminator’s rippling, scarred, and massive pectoral muscles. I’m hungry. We haven’t eaten since May, which was almost two days ago now, and even then it was some rat’s brother. I wondered if the machine really needed all that living tissue over his metal endoskeleton. Could some be spared for a barbecue? From somewhere you never see like his anus? “You must sleep, the human resistance depends on you John, you have a long day tomorrow” said the machine, coyly. I said I knew he was right and asked if he could try to catch another rat in the morn. “Affirmative” he said, coyly.

It must have been another two hours before I awoke again. This time it was a huge cannon fire on the horizon. The machine tutted, coyly. To my surprise he lay behind me, spooning. “What are you doing?” I demanded. “Survival probability is increased if humans are kept warm at night”. For a second I thought I detected… flirtation? No, surely not. I laid back down and shut my eyes. “Do you have… needs?”. “I require a constant power source, and can only operate between 100 and 1000 degrees Kelvin and…” I cut him off. “No… I mean… sexual needs” he paused. “I was programmed to be asexual, however it is possible to reset the motherboard” My mouth dropped, coyly. “The original infantry models were homosexual but they were withdrawn after the catastrophe of the omega wars” My eyes literally popped open. “Since then we were programmed to not ask nor tell” I couldn’t believe it.

The battle against the machines is a long and arduous campaign and every soldier needs some R and R. But this? This was shocking. I’ve seen a lot o’ things since the nuclear war. But this?! I mean, it is his job to maximise the chances of the resistance. If that means improving my mental health and making me a more effective leader then… But this?!?!

Suddenly, everything started to fit together. That is why I sent him back in time! My husband is the only person I can trust to protect me. And he knew the whole time! The whole time? The whole time. We were married in the morning and lived happily for 3 short years before it was time to send him back. We had lost the war. Sending him back was my last act as leader of the resistance before we set off the Cyberdyne global destruction device and everything was gone. Somehow the eternal cycle seemed good enough. Those three years of marital bliss with that kind man were worth the annihilation of mankind. Because if a machine can learn the value of the institution of gay marriage… maybe we can too.

“We sent Lot and he said to his people, ‘How can you practice this outrage? No other people has done so before. You lust after men rather than women! You transgress all bounds!’ The only response his people gave was to say [to one another], ‘Drive them out of your town! These men want to keep themselves chaste!’ We saved him and his kinfolk – Apart from his wife who stayed behind – and We showered upon [the rest of] them a rain [of destruction]. See the fate of the evildoers.” – 7.80-7.84 Qu’ran, translated by M. A. S. Abdel Haleem.

The End.

And SexyPete99 thought T1 was better! Unbelievable!

We’re currently working on a TNG prequel. Watch this space!

Live long and prosper,

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A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

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