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Yearly Archives: 2013

The bench opposite Aquasplash

Lets be honest, Hemel Hempstead has some great benches. I’ve often spoken of the one opposite Forbidden Planet on the high street, and the one on Gadebridge park. OK, the second isn’t strictly speaking a bench (it’s a log), but when I fancy a sit down, I ain’t interested in semantics mate. In this work, […]

Larry the lobster

A story for children and the young at heart.* I’m Larry, and I’m just like any other lobster. I totally swoon if the water temperature is jus’ right baby! Oh yeah, I’m as much a blue blooded lobster as the next lobster. Every time I see another lobster I imagine a whole swathe of obscene […]

A Portrait of a Provincial Dickhead OUT NOW!

My 2013 Edinburgh show is available for internet consumption now: Please remember, my work is not for morons. Or idiots. It is for imbeciles. All hail the beautiful,

Claire Thomas publishes an offensive drawing of the Royal baby in the school magazine

– Well, I mean thing is, I wanted to capture the horror of childbirth. I just thought it was an amazing moment because it was where they were just like animals before the propaganda starts. I mean I suppose it goes without saying, I’m a republican. The headmaster was not impressed by this. He shifted […]

The Lament of the Unknown Comedian in A minor

Many happy returns,

Edinburgh preview 24 July at 9.30pm at the Hen and Chickens Islington

Buy tickets here. More details here.

Unemployment blues in A minor

Yours in searing earnestness,

Mock the Week audition vid’ reel

Best regards,

Artificial rant number 154

Figure 1: Self portrait. Unification is the aim of science. In this weblog, I shall unify a number of troubling matters into a single problem. Why is child sexuality so terrifying to us? Why does female face covering offend us so much? Why is adolescence so upsetting? Should we hate our parents? Why are social […]

Raph Shirley: A Portrait of a Provincial Dickhead

Promotional material for my upcoming Edinburgh show has started to come out. Many happy returns,

Raph Shirley

… is on the internet. Raph Shirley: Actor. Author. Librarian. Pedagogue. Publisher. BLOGGER extraordinaire!   Raph Shirley has been winning awards since birth and wowing the world with his award winning awards. Before GCSE‘s he shared a toothbrush brand with Tom Cruise. Raph Fought in the second world war… and won. Twice. Whether you are looking for a […]

Like you

May I recommend the following piece of music to enjoy while reading: open in new window. I recently found out that I have an exceptional IQ. My… I… Q… is… zero*. I was not happy. I took the exam and stuffed it in the mouth of the examiner, which I thought should get me at […]

Philosophical Investigations

I decided to upload my 2011 Edinburgh show Philosophical Investigations. Weirdly, it is some audio recordings I made in my bedsit with photos taken during the live show. My deepest sympathy,

Simple harmonic motion

The further I get from Hemel, the sicker I feel. A malicious electronic communication. Figure 1: Mood against time. The setting sun put an orange light across the back wall of my bedsit, which I found beautiful in the way a honeymoon waterfall appears to a lonely woman reading a holiday brochure. the aim now […]

Happy Valentine’s Day!

– What do you do? Imagine opening with that. We have just sat down. I’ve conceded on location and gone into this stinking Carluccio’s. My preferred McDonald’s is staring jealously from across the street, and she pulls that one out. It speaks of a corruption in your soul to choose Carluccio’s over McDonald’s. On judgement […]

Thoughts, theories and a description

His hair was as greasy as a Christmas pudding (solid opening line). His hair looked like someone had stuffed a Christmas pudding on a bald man and then carved a bit away from the eyes and then run a fork down the sides to make it more hair like. It really was remarkably like a […]

The stomach of a fifty year old British male

A soft Hovis loafish catastrophe. A white sagging mess with blue accoutrements in the opaque soup of a cold and second-hand bath. “A man should get married, because if he has a good wife he’ll be happy, and if he has a bad one he’ll learn to be philosophical” – Socrates. I wonder what the […]

A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

    Infecting the internet like so many glimmering tentacles
    ( ).

    He is a fictional character.

    Buy the book!