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Life on earth

And in the ancient earth, where empty ground held vacant sky, magic and sorcery gave this nothing a new vanity. Proto-life was born in an inclement world and the day’s order was suffering. The injured rock took more punishment in quantity unbound when animals looked around. And final indignity came in man making a mirror for chimpanzee to inspect her own arse.

I should like to tell my son about the birds and the bees; how the virgin queen leaves her cell and vows to kill the others until the survivor celebrates by mating with many drones in a “drone congregation area” and uses that mixed seed for the rest of her life until she is too old and must be superceeded; that when a new queen is available, the workers will kill the reigning queen by clustering tightly around her until she dies from overheating. That went down well but the birds with their rape and infidelity, with their murder and most of all the pecking out the sperm of a rival from one’s lover’s vagina left the boy frightened. He asked why no animal had ambition beyond basic personal suicide. Why does no animal set a noose round life? “Technical difficulties” I reassured. And anyway plants aren’t so bad. We watched a Venus fly trap in slow motion on the telivision for pure entertainment value.

All the planets gossip about earth catching life. They giggle at the itchy green patches and vulgar animals; particularly the literate ones. They wonder if earth the slut caught it off an asteroid from out of town like Mars insists. Or whether “it just developed naturally” as earth says, through a sneeze. There is only one cure says Jupiter. But how to throw earth out? How to deny the addict its vice; its Sun?

“It is gossimer thin! This veil of ugliness hides a pure heart of rock and fire. Let me have light. You will not catch it. You are safe.” But they are not secure. They are in great danger. They have let the host free too long.

I hope you enjoy my new and bawdy direction,

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A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

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