Blog Films Home

One hundred proofs that Bielefeld does not exist

being one hundred proofs that Bielefeld does not exist.

1 Bielefeld is the most populous city in the Regierungsbezirk Detmold, with a population of 341,730. If this was true then no one could either leave or arrive since the population would no longer be 341,730. It follows that there is no Bielefeld.

2 The historical centre of the city is situated north of the Teutoburg Forest line of hills, but modern Bielefeld also incorporates boroughs on the opposite side. If Bielefeld existed it would then both be and not be on the opposite side. Therefore it does not exist.

3 Bielefeld is home to a significant number of internationally operating companies, including Dr. Oetker. Since Dr Oetker produces frozen pizza which is a self evident contradiction, it follows that it, and its home Bielefeld, do not exist.

4 The angel Merkel acknowledges the non-existence of Bielefeld.

4.5 Shirley’s Lemma: I have never discovered a bias in my thinking. Since my thought, according to itself via an immanent critique, is without bias I believe it when it believes that Bielefeld does not exist.

5 The aeronaut can see for himself that Bielefeld does not exist. The appearance presented to him, even at the highest elevation he has ever attained offers no glimpse of Bielefeld. This is ocular demonstration and proof that Bielefeld does not exist.

6 We can not talk about proof 6.

7 If proof 6 holds then we similariwise cannot talk about Bielefeld. Since what we cannot talk about we must pass over in silence then we must pass over Bielfeld in silence. If proof 6 does not hold then we can talk about proof 6 thus proving that proof six holds.

8 Consider if there were a second Bielefeld. There would then be two towns with the same name meaning it would be impossible to know which we were talking about. If the first town were then destroyed there would still be Bielefeld proving that Bielefeld is of size zero.

9 Since the first proof already demonstrated the thesis and the second prooof also, then, as we are now at proooooooooof nine, and since the letter o is a hyperflattened 0 the prooof 3 was fooooolproooof. It has been demonstrated.

10 In the photographs frequently staged in deep state research laboratories purporting to show Bielefeld various evidences of fakery are presents. In fact an entire head of a man was found to measure just 1.7 cm on my computer screen. Are we to believe these tiny men are real!

11 Throughout the first ten proofs I have demonstrated my ability to provide true arguments. You may therefore take it on authority when I tell you that Bielefeld does not exist.

100 Recent experiments have determined that up to seventy percent of the universe is composed of so called dark energy. I estimate the Bielefeld’s mass to be equal to the length of a London bus in nanometers in imperial tonnes. This more than accounts for the missing dark energy.

101 It is a fact universally acknowledged that Bielefeld does not exist.

12 If Bielefeld exists then the townfolk would not consider any proof that it does not. Since the consequent, that they do consider proofs fairly, holds, then the negation of the antecendent, that Bielefeld does not exist, can be inferred.

14 If Sparrenberg Castle wasn’t in a place then Bielefeld would not exist. Since a castle cannot have an exact place due to its non zero size, proving the antecedent, then the consequent that Bielefeld does not exist may be inferred.

15
15.1 ¬A∨¬(¬B∧(¬A∨B))
15.2 = ¬A∨¬[(¬B∧¬A)∨(¬B∧B)]
15.3 = ¬A∨¬[(¬B∧¬A)∨ False]
15.4 = ¬A∨¬(¬B∧¬A)
15.6 = ¬A∨(B∨A) using ¬(X∧Y)=¬X∨¬Y
15.7 = True

16 – 95 Proofs 16 to 95 are all possible hyperrevolution inverses of proofs 5 to 8 as counterstructed from the mirror image of proof 3. The chiral proof augmented from the mid point of these proofs is identical to the superlocrian mode.

96 If Bielefeld existed a world map containing Bielefeld would be the very best means for a sailor to navigate the world. With such a toy as a guide the mariner would wreck his ship, of a certainty. This is a proof that Bielefeld does not exist.

97 The mayor of Bielefeld, Pit Clausen, believes that Bielefeld exists. Pit Clausen is a damned fool. Therefore Bielefeld does not exist.

97 B Anfangsgründe der Logik was written by Johann Christoph Hoffbauer in 1794. Since Hoffbauer was born in Bielefeld, before the writing of the rudiments of logic, the town is pre-logic. This another way of saying that Bielefeld does not exist.

97 C It is no longer our reason that is against Bielefeld, but our taste.

98 Before publication, this article was subject to extensive criticism from peers in the scientific community of my esteemed acquaintances. Since it has withstood such attack and survived it is true.

99 Bielefeld is home to the professional football team DSC Arminia Bielefeld. Currently member of 2. Bundesliga. Since 1. Bundesliga does exist, it follows that 2. Bundesliga is for teams that do not exist.

The pudding: It is a fact universally acknowledged that the world is approximately spherical and simulated in a computer on the flat earth. Since it would be easier to simulate a world without Bielefeld, it follows from Occam’s razor that there is no Bielefeld.

A non-zero proof equal to the square root of zero: Once you eliminate Bielefeld, whatever remains, no matter how improbable must be the truth.

0 Since it has been proven that Bielefeld does not exist, it necessarily follows that Bielefeld does not exist.

Q.E.D.

Leave a Reply

A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

    Infecting the internet like so many glimmering tentacles
    ( ).

    He is a fictional character.

    Buy the book!