In which I describe the reproductive process of the sub-species Hypercunt Johnsinimus.
I claim that the importance of a truth can be gauged by the degree to which, on first intellectual contact, it inspires repulsion. As the seed is planted in your heart it stings and burns and only with time and much dialectical angst do you gradually realise its awful veracity. And so I present to you a new unification. As I have studied the reproductive process of the human animal over many hard and harsh years I have discovered this new travesty. It concerns the life cycle of the Hypercunt Johnsinimus.
It has long been proclaimed that the biological definition of sex concerns the size of the gametes. That the female is the creature with the larger gamete and the male that with the smaller. But has some logical necessity escaped this schematising? For so long as one among the multitude contains the largest gamete does it not introduce the third element. What in logic we call the excluded middle; what I am calling the Hypercunt. I do not deny that the sperm be smaller than the egg. What I introduce is the third class bigger than both: the rugglicle. Furthermore, I posit that the human animal’s third element has a reproductive cycle that lasts one hundred years and that this autumn we approach its apex.
For as the wasps and the ants harbour a queen so the human sets in the bowels of its formicarium the Mastersex Hypercunt Johnsinimus. This aspect has a radically different form and function of genitalia than your or my mere animalia that I will here discuss. But do I give too much introduction? For this scheme can be described simply in just a few hundred words. The essential thesis is thus:
The Hypercunt has two master phalisimi and one rugglicule similar in form but unparalled in magnitude to the typical male’s testicle. The two master phalisimi are likewise very large (around fifteen times the length but similar in width to the average male penis). From these two phalisimi protrude four ceets each which can extend beyond four hundred meters. The Hypercunt reproduces by attracting human females to suck on these ceets. At which point the ceets begin to unravel, travelling the full length of her digestive tract. When the ceet reaches the anus it protrudes and turns a full one hudred and seventy degrees until it faces the subject’s vagina. It then enters the vagina and moves directly to the ovaries which it hovers up along with the full supply of eggs which are absorbed into the central region of the Hypercunt wherein some genetic alchemy (further study needed) produces human baby rugglicles which originate from the singular rugglicule. These rugglicles appear almost exactly as rugby balls but coated in a kind of brittle egg shell from which the fully formed adult johnsinimi are birthed. These johnsinimi are genetically identical to the Hypercunt but completely infertile.
Patel’s Lemma; what is it?
The inner sanctum is also staffed by many worker johnsinimi who formed from unfertilised ruglicles. One of these has contributed theoretically to the scheme in the form of Priti Patel’s Lemma which posits that any ruglicle left unsatisfied by raw sexual energy shall form into a new worker johnsinimi which functions to serve the production of further ruglicles.
Is it man or fowl? It is a new order of obscenity.
Oh loves! The libidinal economy of the beast is brutal and exquisite. It draws you in as it repulses. It sucks as it blows. Tyrannosaurus rex! The king of terrors. The master of all that is foul and unholy. It comes with its own ontological necessity. It expands and lays and expands and lays. It has within it some overabundance in a rugby shirt. Like slimulus in a suit. Tis beast my good man. Run for ye life lest you be dragged in the inner realm and consumed in its Burgundy based broth.
Corollary 1; how can this be?
Those of an observant nature might ask why the females might choose to engage in this despicable act. I can tell you friend. For as I studied the process I became increasingly curious about the intense hypnotic pleasure available. To the point one night I began to walk toward this terrible kraken. Luckily, I was forewarned by some poor wretch who had attempted the infinilatio. When the phalisimus has exited your anus and finds there are no eggs to be found it angrily ejects you at such speed you shall never speak again. I had prevented my passage by tying my shoelaces together and awoke from my stupor before I came too close. I saw its appeal. I walked with demons and took from the cup of evil wine. The only way I could explain it is to say it was somewhere between Champagne and nightmares. Between pure joy and pure hate.
But I digress. There are more details to the scheme that any serious enquirer must be informed about. After the ruglicles are complete they are sent forthwith to the anal cavity (in a sister essay I will describe the process of eating whereby the Hypercunt takes food in the mouth, dissolves it and ejects it again from the mouth as an octopus does). The ruglicles are then laid into dustbins where the infant can develop due to the warmth provided by decaying trash. These grow to adulthood fully without any parental care and lead sad bitter lives. You can recognise these when you hear the following squeal from a local wheelie bin “daddy, no, please don’t leave me like the others!”. The screams will never be answered.
“Remarkable claims require remarkable evidence.” – Sajid Javid, CDO salesman and Demicunt.
Do not think I am unaware of the radical novelty of my thesis. Do not think I have not dripped with sweat many a night asking myself “can this monstrosity be? Can God’s earth harbour such demons”. Rest assured, dear reader, I have applied the utmost level of rigorous enquiry of a kind at or near that of the Hypercunt’s very own research department. In point of fact the whole episode was relayed to me by alemate Joshua, who received it first hand, from his colleague, in one of London’s utmost Wetherspoons.
Corollary 2; what is to be done?
And in this final section we must fall to despair. I know not what or how. I will have to leave this to my readers more versed in strategy. I merely point you to this fascinating and frightening natural process which is coming to fruition. The display is occurring in the inner chamber of the formicarium in one month and with what savagery it will explode none can say. All I ask is that you tie yourselves down, as Odysseus bound himself to the mast, lest the siren call of latinate neologisms draw you through promises of erotic ecstasy to your bloody demise.