Category Archives: searing political satire
Happy Valentine’s Day!
- What do you do? Imagine opening with that. We have just sat down. I’ve conceded on location and gone into this stinking Carluccio’s. My preferred McDonald’s is staring jealously from across the street, and she pulls that one out. It speaks of a corruption in your soul to choose Carluccio’s over McDonald’s. On judgement [...]
The continuing adventures of Jackie Smith
Just because you’re no longer MP for Redditch doesn’t mean you still don’t care about issues. On the contrary, you live an exciting life of stuff that happens to you and others. See you round, XOXO
US enters new era of post election US
Something very remarkable happened to me last Saturday. I was going about my business like any Saturday. Except it wasn’t Saturday and it wasn’t happening to me but the USA. It was 2008 and they’d just elected their first Hawaiian president. You may have heard of him. A man called… Barack was it? No. Because [...]
Life on earth
And in the ancient earth, where empty ground held vacant sky, magic and sorcery gave this nothing a new vanity. Proto-life was born in an inclement world and the day’s order was suffering. The injured rock took more punishment in quantity unbound when animals looked around. And final indignity came in man making a mirror [...]
A parody of 50 Shades of Grey by replacing Grey with Brown
Before we begin, may I politely remind you that my Edinburgh Fringe show, Computer Programmer Extraordinaire, opens tomorrow of all days! 16:45, at Globe Bar, Niddry St, 4-25 August (not 14), Free. Warning: this post contains scenes of a deeply pretentious and pompous nature. 50 Shades of Grey has successfully duped the last major group [...]
Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani launches internet cartoon competition
Emergency extra blog post. I just read this in the Guardian. Iranian MP, Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani, took offence to a cartoon by Mahmoud Shokraye. The cartoonist was then sentenced to 25 lashes for the crime. Ashtiani has therefore, in playing with the serpents tail, effectively challenged the global internet to produce as foul a portrait [...]
Accidental booze cruise
Friday, 1700h, I’ve just finished programming a total hog of a Dell XPS 15. The rain knocks on my window and I’m compelled to literally run outside to demonstrate my quasi-youth (thirty one) by taking part in a typical Friday night out, that will no doubt involve significant use of the the sound ‘woooo’. I’m [...]
A proposal concerning a change of use for Buckingham Palace
Due to a freedom of information request I have come into possession of this letter from government records. It seems to be a memo from George Osborne to David Cameron. I decided to risk libel action for publishing it, for ethical/heroic reasons. To The Rt Hon David Cameron MP Prime Minister, As you know, the [...]
The George Golding Professor of Contemporary Thought
Professor Harding pondered the daily problem of finding the end of the toilet roll. Every revolution of the soft pink coloured cylinder revealed nothing to the touch of his arthritic fingers. Quick to anger, he threw it at the wall; it bounced around the room and finally slam dunked its way between his wrinkled thighs [...]
On being a slightly fat man
Being a poem that is in no way autobiographical. When the necessity to bathe rears its smelly head. When the pants demand their weekly shed. When all hope is dread, The slightly fat man must wash and watch his disappointments unfold. The water whets his willy’s desires, And he is compelled to exercise his limbs [...]
My eye
I’m going to talk about my eye. For just over three years the pictures it has been showing me have degraded into a dull ache now. A soft, mild brown blur. Even things like a crying child seem to bore me. I’ve been to the doctor. He says that it is a common problem and [...]
The remarkable achievements attained in the field of neuroscience
The current state of the art is described and critiqued. Avenues for further work are set forth and discussed. A prediction is made. Using only one single five million dollar functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, Professor Veronica Smith produces a picture of my brain. Over coffee she talks me through the picture and explains her [...]
I’ve done a poo and it’s really important
I’ve done a poo and it’s really important. I did a poo and it was really important,
Terminator X: Abomination
One of the major advantages of running your own zine is that you get to work with some great geeks. One day while I was hangin’ out in Forbidden Planet I was recognised (eugghh) by a fellow weblogger. He knew all too well the ongoing battle between me and SexyPete99. Don’t worry, he’s on our [...]
The disgusting nature and exploits of the rose
In which I set forth the vulgar behaviour of the garden rose and ask that we reconsider our love affair with it lest we be dragged into the filth along with. One doesn’t need to invent devils to witness the true horror of the world. One need only look in the garden to see the [...]
The twentieth century: a pantomime
I have just been commissioned by Surrey County Council to write the 2011 Guildford pantomime. I have decided to write a light hearted look at the twentieth century. There will be one minute for every year. The characters: The dame – capitalism The villain – totalitarianism The hero – democracy The love interest – socialism Plot summary: [...]
Possible solutions to the global energy problem
It is a little known fact that over 99.999% of the world’s energy is currently consumed by other people. It is also true that over half of all other people are in an other country. That’s why I’m arguing that we need to expend a lot more effort reducing other countries’ energy demands and less [...]
SIMPLY OUTRAGEOUS
Oh my gosh, this is simply outrageous! This image is best enjoyed to the sound of fart noises. Please enjoy this image you stupid asshole,
It said yes!
Your presence will never be associated with honour. Our gift list is available at Game. We also accept cash or cheque. Cheers,
An erotic poem about a Muslim woman
In her, Shapelessness reached an apogee (A sphere). Black sheets, Slipping off of her revealed form (Sexy!) Ultimately, The Wizard of Oz Woz, Disappointing. I thought killing Ka’b ibn al-Ashraf was a lot worse than the fig tree. But actually he was also trying to kill him so maybe fair enough. #notExpertInIslamicCulture
