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I thought secretly living in my parents garden was going to work out… The plan to be covert was going pretty perfectly until my dad followed the daisy chained power adapters to the shed and uncovered my den of sin. It was Friday night when it happened. 9pm and I’m layin’ on the bed sewing […]

Reflections on the Hubble Deep Field image

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein. Turns out Einstein was better at Physics than jokes. “In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein […]

Hemel Hempstead AMateur dramatics Society (HHAMS)

“Imagine creating something and giving it both consciousness and a rectum. What sick joke is this? And then Jesus has the audacity to say ‘consider the lily.’ Yes, it’s easy when you’re a lily, sans-bum-hole. I did consider the lily and then I shat myself.” – Raph Shirley, Hemel Hempstead, 2011. When you’re a busy […]

On sex with a slightly fat man

Yielding to the cycle of guilt, hunger, and McDonalds (oh the vortex!), the slightly fat man builds himself a vile home. ‘You see, at the heart of sex lies a contradiction. The show of abandon and the reality of forethought embodied and emphasized by the prophylactic’ I’m sittin’ w’ Claire in a McDonald’s on an […]

Sheer Power Alert

As you almost certainly will have heard, last summer I holidayed in [Las] Vegas (baby!). Trouble is, whilst I had arranged to go with my mates, there was a catastrophic breakdown in communications and I ended up arriving a week before them, thus being forced to holiday alone in a big bad city of sleaze […]

Stefan Graves rambles incoherently

Stefan looked at a picture of Ed Milliband and Ed Balls queing to buy a Cornish Pasty and forced his mind to yield to his instruction that it was an image of two men at ease in their natural environment. Despite being of a socio-economic group that traditionally consumed healthy quantities of said snack (fifth […]

An unfortunate question

Now is the time that I must face the gruesome possibility that my undergarments are beyond repair and should be replaced. Download a high-res version of this image here. So many memories. You shielded me from the world, or should I say you shielded the world from me. You enabled me to wear trousers for […]

The economy

What? I’m supposed to just listen the whole time? No. No. And no. I will have my revenge. On Stephanomics et al. Right. You should now have realised that I’m weighing in on the economy (satirically). I would first like to combine the things of being ‘in the zone’ in a sporting sense and being […]

Valentines satire

Hi Sarah, Our union is the result of a carefully orchestrated procedure to locate a male-female pair of equal ‘attractiveness’. I find your personality delightful, which is why I was willing to sacrifice some ground on the looks front. Likewise, I’m only too aware of my own cold manner, which traditionally is frowned upon in […]

Stefan at a dinner party

A short internal monologue from Stefan, who is at a dinner party. Stefan Right. Here it comes… Here it comes… Ok, get ready people … One person stops speaking, beat, another person cuts in just before Stefan. Stefan Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. There’s still time to make it… Is there still time […]

Presentation to GreenLight

Here’s a little light relief before we get into the blog proper: One of the great things about being a programmer for one of the largest solar panel manufacturers in the south east is you get to do a lot of travelling. This week, I was going to Newcastle to give a talk on account […]

Web log entry 100

Welcome to web log post number one hundred! Can you believe it?! 1) First off, a little scene from my week 2) The main body of text The bulk of this one is a script about Socrates and Rachel of Friends fame. It is partly a sideswipe at the Socratic method and partly a send […]


May, in Absence of Further Evidence, be a Necessary Evil Since it Self-Evidenty Embodies a Most Egregious and Offensive Arrogance. Written in the Year 2011 DON’T THINK I DON’T CONSIDER THE DANGER in speaking against the commonly held adoration for it. Trust that I have considered all consequences and yet continue to hold my beliefs. […]

An apology

I’ve written so much brilliant blogs these days exposing the wrongs of the great (err hello, not so great) and good (err hello, bad). But, I’m like, sometimes I need to step back back and say hold on there, you’re a cool guy with an excellent blog and everything but what about your (my) failings […]

Hi fi sci fi. Why? Because it rhymes and rhyme is equal to reason.

Hello, welcome to my zine. I believe that sci-fi, or more properly science-fi, can teach us about the human experience of the human condition, and aliens and cool spaceships too. That is why I have created this cool weblog (to share my stories). I wrote this story in 2005 during my emotional period (because all […]

It said yes!

Your presence will never be associated with honour. Our gift list is available at Game. We also accept cash or cheque. Cheers,

A tribute to Bobby Crispy

Bobby Crispy has a good forename, a great surname, and a better website. Yeah, it is that good. contains videos of his free guitar lessons, as well as other cool stuff like sci-fi stories. This guy really knows how to do an excellent website. I can learn a lot from him. You might like […]

CYBORG R.A.T. 9 Gaming Mouse

Hardcore gamers like myself have long debated that great quandary; is there such a thing as the perfect gaming mouse? Well, I’m sorry to say to the doubters (not mentioning any names SexyPete99) this IS it: Figure 1. The CYBORG R.A.T. 9 Gaming Mouse, £84.99. Taken from Whether committing acts of violent murder in […]

Stupid nonce

Swizzled in the swiller, Brushelled with a buzzer, Splish splashelled and bathed, That’s the bloody shower over with! And in a waze he filled his trouser, With fleshy leggo pegs. It took forth owls and still not done, To be ready for the meeting. Ten peeples peeped at powerpeep, And of the frothy thquarters, Superintendent […]

The early Shirley (logical foundations of the weblog)

Life is tough when you’re a white, male, heterosexual, old Etonian like me. My constant struggle against prejudice has, however, yielded philosophical insight. What follows is a translation (from Eton slang) of my [cod] philosophical investigations. Please do not be so intimidated as to think you might not understand this profound exposition of the truth. […]

A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

    Infecting the internet like so many glimmering tentacles
    ( ).

    He is a fictional character.

    Buy the book!