Category: other stuffs [sic]

  • Official Promo’ Vid’ Advert for Raph Shirley’s YouTube Channel on YouTube now!

    Humbly yours,

  • The bench opposite Aquasplash

    Lets be honest, Hemel Hempstead has some great benches. I’ve often spoken of the one opposite Forbidden Planet on the high street, and the one on Gadebridge park. OK, the second isn’t strictly speaking a bench (it’s a log), but when I fancy a sit down, I ain’t interested in semantics mate. In this work, […]

  • Claire Thomas publishes an offensive drawing of the Royal baby in the school magazine

    – Well, I mean thing is, I wanted to capture the horror of childbirth. I just thought it was an amazing moment because it was where they were just like animals before the propaganda starts. I mean I suppose it goes without saying, I’m a republican. The headmaster was not impressed by this. He shifted […]

  • Like you

    May I recommend the following piece of music to enjoy while reading: open in new window. I recently found out that I have an exceptional IQ. My… I… Q… is… zero*. I was not happy. I took the exam and stuffed it in the mouth of the examiner, which I thought should get me at […]

  • Philosophical Investigations

    I decided to upload my 2011 Edinburgh show Philosophical Investigations. Weirdly, it is some audio recordings I made in my bedsit with photos taken during the live show. My deepest sympathy,

  • Simple harmonic motion

    The further I get from Hemel, the sicker I feel. A malicious electronic communication. Figure 1: Mood against time. The setting sun put an orange light across the back wall of my bedsit, which I found beautiful in the way a honeymoon waterfall appears to a lonely woman reading a holiday brochure. the aim now […]

  • Thoughts, theories and a description

    His hair was as greasy as a Christmas pudding (solid opening line). His hair looked like someone had stuffed a Christmas pudding on a bald man and then carved a bit away from the eyes and then run a fork down the sides to make it more hair like. It really was remarkably like a […]

  • The stomach of a fifty year old British male

    A soft Hovis loafish catastrophe. A white sagging mess with blue accoutrements in the opaque soup of a cold and second-hand bath. “A man should get married, because if he has a good wife he’ll be happy, and if he has a bad one he’ll learn to be philosophical” – Socrates. I wonder what the […]

  • Lessons from a provincial dickhead

    I woke up at 1523h and checked my mouse trap. It was missing! I made myself a tea n’ dried milk and ate a couple bags o’ penguins (Buy 1 get 2 free). Video 1. A lesson about how to act. I go to get my lunchbox (made sandwich yester’) but what do I see […]

  • An attempt to provoke a lawsuit for publicity purposes

    Dear St James’s Palace, Please consider suing me for posting the following image. It would be very useful publicity for me. Ideally I could take the Daily Mail approach and feign dissaproval of the original publication and still give my readers the tillation of the thought of a young woman’s breasts. This already commercially viable […]

  • Eviction

    I thought secretly living in my parents garden was going to work out… The plan to be covert was going pretty perfectly until my dad followed the daisy chained power adapters to the shed and uncovered my den of sin. It was Friday night when it happened. 9pm and I’m layin’ on the bed sewing […]

  • Reflections on the Hubble Deep Field image

    “Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein. Turns out Einstein was better at Physics than jokes. “In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein […]

  • Hemel Hempstead AMateur dramatics Society (HHAMS)

    “Imagine creating something and giving it both consciousness and a rectum. What sick joke is this? And then Jesus has the audacity to say ‘consider the lily.’ Yes, it’s easy when you’re a lily, sans-bum-hole. I did consider the lily and then I shat myself.” – Raph Shirley, Hemel Hempstead, 2011. When you’re a busy […]

  • On sex with a slightly fat man

    Yielding to the cycle of guilt, hunger, and McDonalds (oh the vortex!), the slightly fat man builds himself a vile home. ‘You see, at the heart of sex lies a contradiction. The show of abandon and the reality of forethought embodied and emphasized by the prophylactic’ I’m sittin’ w’ Claire in a McDonald’s on an […]

  • Sheer Power Alert

    As you almost certainly will have heard, last summer I holidayed in [Las] Vegas (baby!). Trouble is, whilst I had arranged to go with my mates, there was a catastrophic breakdown in communications and I ended up arriving a week before them, thus being forced to holiday alone in a big bad city of sleaze […]

  • Stefan Graves rambles incoherently

    Stefan looked at a picture of Ed Milliband and Ed Balls queing to buy a Cornish Pasty and forced his mind to yield to his instruction that it was an image of two men at ease in their natural environment. Despite being of a socio-economic group that traditionally consumed healthy quantities of said snack (fifth […]

  • An unfortunate question

    Now is the time that I must face the gruesome possibility that my undergarments are beyond repair and should be replaced. Download a high-res version of this image here. So many memories. You shielded me from the world, or should I say you shielded the world from me. You enabled me to wear trousers for […]

  • The economy

    What? I’m supposed to just listen the whole time? No. No. And no. I will have my revenge. On Stephanomics et al. Right. You should now have realised that I’m weighing in on the economy (satirically). I would first like to combine the things of being ‘in the zone’ in a sporting sense and being […]

  • Valentines satire

    Hi Sarah, Our union is the result of a carefully orchestrated procedure to locate a male-female pair of equal ‘attractiveness’. I find your personality delightful, which is why I was willing to sacrifice some ground on the looks front. Likewise, I’m only too aware of my own cold manner, which traditionally is frowned upon in […]

  • Stefan at a dinner party

    A short internal monologue from Stefan, who is at a dinner party. Stefan Right. Here it comes… Here it comes… Ok, get ready people … One person stops speaking, beat, another person cuts in just before Stefan. Stefan Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. There’s still time to make it… Is there still time […]