Year: 2012
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Hemel Hempstead AMateur dramatics Society (HHAMS)
“Imagine creating something and giving it both consciousness and a rectum. What sick joke is this? And then Jesus has the audacity to say ‘consider the lily.’ Yes, it’s easy when you’re a lily, sans-bum-hole. I did consider the lily and then I shat myself.” – Raph Shirley, Hemel Hempstead, 2011. When you’re a busy […]
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Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani launches internet cartoon competition
Emergency extra blog post. I just read this in the Guardian. Iranian MP, Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani, took offence to a cartoon by Mahmoud Shokraye. The cartoonist was then sentenced to 25 lashes for the crime. Ashtiani has therefore, in playing with the serpents tail, effectively challenged the global internet to produce as foul a portrait […]
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On sex with a slightly fat man
Yielding to the cycle of guilt, hunger, and McDonalds (oh the vortex!), the slightly fat man builds himself a vile home. ‘You see, at the heart of sex lies a contradiction. The show of abandon and the reality of forethought embodied and emphasized by the prophylactic’ I’m sittin’ w’ Claire in a McDonald’s on an […]
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Accidental booze cruise
Friday, 1700h, I’ve just finished programming a total hog of a Dell XPS 15. The rain knocks on my window and I’m compelled to literally run outside to demonstrate my quasi-youth (thirty one) by taking part in a typical Friday night out, that will no doubt involve significant use of the the sound ‘woooo’. I’m […]
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Sheer Power Alert
As you almost certainly will have heard, last summer I holidayed in [Las] Vegas (baby!). Trouble is, whilst I had arranged to go with my mates, there was a catastrophic breakdown in communications and I ended up arriving a week before them, thus being forced to holiday alone in a big bad city of sleaze […]
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A proposal concerning a change of use for Buckingham Palace
Due to a freedom of information request I have come into possession of this letter from government records. It seems to be a memo from George Osborne to David Cameron. I decided to risk libel action for publishing it, for ethical/heroic reasons. To The Rt Hon David Cameron MP Prime Minister, As you know, the […]
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Miss Thomas
The clearest way to describe Claire Thomas is to say she is fat. It isn’t genetic or due to some other ‘modern BS’. It is because she frequently scoffs. She scoffs indiscriminately. Domino’s Two For Tuesdays by the two, eggs by the eight, and milkshake. She loves food like an English teacher (which she is) […]
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The George Golding Professor of Contemporary Thought
Professor Harding pondered the daily problem of finding the end of the toilet roll. Every revolution of the soft pink coloured cylinder revealed nothing to the touch of his arthritic fingers. Quick to anger, he threw it at the wall; it bounced around the room and finally slam dunked its way between his wrinkled thighs […]
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Stefan Graves rambles incoherently
Stefan looked at a picture of Ed Milliband and Ed Balls queing to buy a Cornish Pasty and forced his mind to yield to his instruction that it was an image of two men at ease in their natural environment. Despite being of a socio-economic group that traditionally consumed healthy quantities of said snack (fifth […]
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An unfortunate question
Now is the time that I must face the gruesome possibility that my undergarments are beyond repair and should be replaced. Download a high-res version of this image here. So many memories. You shielded me from the world, or should I say you shielded the world from me. You enabled me to wear trousers for […]
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Man dog VI
Stolen from Joshu’s dog. I plooped the man’s legs up!
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On being a slightly fat man
Being a poem that is in no way autobiographical. When the necessity to bathe rears its smelly head. When the pants demand their weekly shed. When all hope is dread, The slightly fat man must wash and watch his disappointments unfold. The water whets his willy’s desires, And he is compelled to exercise his limbs […]
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The economy
What? I’m supposed to just listen the whole time? No. No. And no. I will have my revenge. On Stephanomics et al. Right. You should now have realised that I’m weighing in on the economy (satirically). I would first like to combine the things of being ‘in the zone’ in a sporting sense and being […]
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Valentines satire
Hi Sarah, Our union is the result of a carefully orchestrated procedure to locate a male-female pair of equal ‘attractiveness’. I find your personality delightful, which is why I was willing to sacrifice some ground on the looks front. Likewise, I’m only too aware of my own cold manner, which traditionally is frowned upon in […]
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Stefan at a dinner party
A short internal monologue from Stefan, who is at a dinner party. Stefan Right. Here it comes… Here it comes… Ok, get ready people … One person stops speaking, beat, another person cuts in just before Stefan. Stefan Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. There’s still time to make it… Is there still time […]
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My eye
I’m going to talk about my eye. For just over three years the pictures it has been showing me have degraded into a dull ache now. A soft, mild brown blur. Even things like a crying child seem to bore me. I’ve been to the doctor. He says that it is a common problem and […]
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Prey
‘Why is everybody so serious!’
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The remarkable achievements attained in the field of neuroscience
The current state of the art is described and critiqued. Avenues for further work are set forth and discussed. A prediction is made. Using only one single five million dollar functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, Professor Veronica Smith produces a picture of my brain. Over coffee she talks me through the picture and explains her […]
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A bear at McDonalds
Just imagine it!