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Yearly Archives: 2010

Our Lady

The first family circular. As a lot of you know, 1 has been a tumultuous year for the Christ family. In January, Joseph’s cries of foul play were eventually silenced by An Explanation based around frottage, and things seemed to be on the up. The lack of affordable housing continues to add to our woes […]

A cultural relic

To be fair, why was it your friend in the first place? TB or not TB, that is the question facing agricultural ministers. Cheers,

Doubting Thomas

The first conspiracy theorist. Cheers,

The sinister spectre

Sorry this was a bit slow off the press. I keep meaning to get round to doing one about the wedding of Egbert and Redburga. Good bye,

An experimental investigation into the sleeping habits of my mother

Introduction Middle aged humans are a common phenomenon that can be observed at a wide range of locales. From the wine aisle in Waitrose to that at Sainsbury they can be identified chiefly by the appearance of moderate wrinkles on their faces and bodies and by their possessing an often timid demeanour. This study is […]

Rail rage

We’ve all been there. Cheers,

Pumping iron

Cheers,

American Pie 37

Transcript: Things have quietened down a little since Finchy passed. Oh, we still like a joke or two. I sometimes tease Stifler about his mom being a ‘DGGILTK’. That’s a Dead Great Grandmother I’d Like To Kiss. I changed the last word because we’re too old for all that nonsense now and I added the […]

Woman makes strange sound in conversation

A 34 year old woman today made an unusual sound in a conversation with friends. The confused onlookers refrained from querying the woman’s meaning for fear of “embarrassment”. “It was a sort of short high pitched steam train’s toot” – Darren, 35. A number of leading sceptics have suggested it might have been a sign […]

Man dog IV

Cheers,

Killer gran hell

A rollicking rampage of octogenarian revenge, torn flesh, and laser canons. My grandmother was chopping carrots when it happened. By ‘it’ I of course mean the laser razor ray slicing though the ceiling and into her brain. Oh yes, after that things between me and gran started to get a little, how shall we say… […]

Eating alone

I love eating alone, but I hate being caught. The reversal of esteem when going from gorging on burgers at a bus stop to being joined by a waiting passenger is second in magnitude only to that associated with orgasm. Culinary onanism is a great joy, as intense as the sexual kind, but attached with […]

Stephen Hawking: prick or dick?

In which I offer a considered reaction to The Grand Design, the latest publication of Prof Stephen Hawking. “We each exist for but a short time…” That ‘but’ along with the other words in the book’s first sentence ensure that by the end of it you already have more than a little stomach acid at […]

The Mona Lisa

The Mona Lisa is the best painting in the world. And a great improvement on the earlier pornographic version. It was done by the best painter in the world (Leonardo da Vinci) and the title was written by the best writer in the world (William Shakespeare). And it has been seen by the best people […]

The banana

The banana in its sluttish yellow overcoat eyed me from across the hall. The way it draped its slender ripe figure provocatively across that pawn of an apple. The way it affectedly brushed past the orange. Oh that banana had it coming, and don’t let no one tell you different. I pretended I hadn’t noticed. […]

Creation

One It was morning time and I needed a shower bad. I realised that I couldn’t remember why I was dirty. Then God rudely came in my bedroom without asking and presented the most splendid tart. There were a load of weird animals like half-zebra/half-worms around. One of them came over to be stroked. Then […]

Dance

To some people dancing comes naturally. To me it comes supernaturally. That’s right, fasten your seat belts because this post is about to take a nose dive directly to a more academic style of prose. “I would believe only in a God that knows how to dance.” – Friedrich Nietzsche1 Dancing is typically thought of […]

Is it possible…

… to be into politics and talk about it without being a total dick? No. Probably not. But that’s not what I’m talking about today. Today, as you probably know, there is a waning gibbous moon. But that’s not what I’m talking about today (when it’s in a waning gibbous phase, the moon rises some […]

2000, a great vintage

Vague memories of literal and metaphorical squibs. But there are other relics of the millennium and today I will be talking, mostly, about websites. If websites were rated according to their proper metric, that is, by number of fonts used per page, then my first foray into the internet would surely be the winner1. www.raphman.20m.com […]

Embarrassing man makes ok point in argument

A deeply embarrassing man yesterday punched above his weight and made a number of insightful remarks in a conversation with friends. His long suffering buddies all commented on the unfortunate absence of people to impress when the socially awkward city worker wittily responded to comments made in an article in the Metro newspaper. ‘The article […]

A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

    Infecting the internet like so many glimmering tentacles
    ( ).

    He is a fictional character.

    Buy the book!