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Yearly Archives: 2012

The monogag

Here is a gag I’m working on at the moment built out of a load of old hat jokes I’ve written over the last few years. Bon apetit,

The continuing adventures of Jackie Smith

Just because you’re no longer MP for Redditch doesn’t mean you still don’t care about issues. On the contrary, you live an exciting life of stuff that happens to you and others. See you round, XOXO

Lessons from a provincial dickhead

I woke up at 1523h and checked my mouse trap. It was missing! I made myself a tea n’ dried milk and ate a couple bags o’ penguins (Buy 1 get 2 free). Video 1. A lesson about how to act. I go to get my lunchbox (made sandwich yester’) but what do I see […]

Video of Edinburgh 2012

Here’s a full HD 1080p digital video of my 2012 Edinburgh show; a memoir shot at a cheeky angle. You may watch this video as many times as you like and you may also ‘like’ it using as many, like, YouTube accounts as you like!

A portrait of a provincial dickhead

Walking down Hemel Hempstead high street in the half light of an autumn evening, the industrial estates rising upward against a violet-blue sky, is a pleasure unparallelled. Sexual ecstacy, the embrace of a fat woman, intellectual breakthrough, and moments of realisation and creativity are but hundreds and thousands to the Walls Cream of Cornish ice […]

US enters new era of post election US

Something very remarkable happened to me last Saturday. I was going about my business like any Saturday. Except it wasn’t Saturday and it wasn’t happening to me but the USA. It was 2008 and they’d just elected their first Hawaiian president. You may have heard of him. A man called… Barack was it? No. Because […]

An attempt to provoke a lawsuit for publicity purposes

Dear St James’s Palace, Please consider suing me for posting the following image. It would be very useful publicity for me. Ideally I could take the Daily Mail approach and feign dissaproval of the original publication and still give my readers the tillation of the thought of a young woman’s breasts. This already commercially viable […]

Life on earth

And in the ancient earth, where empty ground held vacant sky, magic and sorcery gave this nothing a new vanity. Proto-life was born in an inclement world and the day’s order was suffering. The injured rock took more punishment in quantity unbound when animals looked around. And final indignity came in man making a mirror […]

Edinburgh 2012 summary

I got two reviews. One was one star. One was four stars. That pretty much sums up the audience responses. Average star rating was therefore 2.5, half a star down on last year, but I got 2 more stars in total. Yippee! I only need a two star review and a five star one and […]

A parody of 50 Shades of Grey by replacing Grey with Brown

Before we begin, may I politely remind you that my Edinburgh Fringe show, Computer Programmer Extraordinaire, opens tomorrow of all days! 16:45, at Globe Bar, Niddry St, 4-25 August (not 14), Free. Warning: this post contains scenes of a deeply pretentious and pompous nature. 50 Shades of Grey has successfully duped the last major group […]

Jesus’s left one

Another little video for you heathen sons o’ bitches. All the best,

“Hangin’ Out” unplugged session in F Major

Hello, A little web cam’ vid’: There will be no songs in the show. Thank god! Best wishes for the future, P.S. You may watch this video as many times as you like! *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Conclusion in unexplainable high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming […]

Eviction

I thought secretly living in my parents garden was going to work out… The plan to be covert was going pretty perfectly until my dad followed the daisy chained power adapters to the shed and uncovered my den of sin. It was Friday night when it happened. 9pm and I’m layin’ on the bed sewing […]

Edinburgh Preview at 9.30pm on 22 July @ The Hen and Chickens

Hello, Please come to my Edinburgh Preview at 9.30pm on Sunday 22 July at the Hen and Chickens Theatre Bar, Islington. I’d like it if you did. Buy tickets here. Or pay on the night to save £0.75 you cheap skate. If you’re in to Facebook events: https://www.facebook.com/events/499420723407199/ Many thanks, *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus […]

Man Dog VII

To whom it may concern, Sayonara, baby (translation of “Hasta la vista, baby” in Spanish Terminator 2 over-dub), *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Method Section in devastating high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming Edinburgh show, I am releasing an audio recording of last year’s show, Philosophical Investigations. […]

Computer Programmer Extraordinaire

Dear potential friend/enemy, I’m taking a brand new show to the Edinburgh festival again. Do come! *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Introduction in heart breaking high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming Edinburgh show, I am releasing an audio recording of last year’s show, Philosophical Investigations. I’m releasing […]

A recount of a tough crowd

In the land of small and unappreciative audiences; Raph Shirley’s 2011 début Edinburgh solo show. I think the worst show at last year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival was the one I did to a solitary ninety year old man. He’d got lost on his way to the military tattoo. Old people often can’t see very well, […]

Reflections on the Hubble Deep Field image

“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein. Turns out Einstein was better at Physics than jokes. “In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein […]

Diamond Jubilee commemorative plate for sale one hundred pounds

Everybody! Try being vulgar about public figures! It’s fun! See you,

The conclusion of every Channel 4 documentary ever made is:

I’d like to thank all Channel 4 producers and commissioners for their valuable insights into the obesity epidemic. All the best you fat fucks,

A Portrait of a Provincial Nobody

    Words and pictures from Raph Shirley, in humorous weblog form.

    Infecting the internet like so many glimmering tentacles
    ( ).

    He is a fictional character.

    Buy the book!