¡gesamtkomödiewerk!
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CYBORG R.A.T. 9 Gaming Mouse
Hardcore gamers like myself have long debated that great quandary; is there such a thing as the perfect gaming mouse? Well, I’m sorry to say to the doubters (not mentioning any names SexyPete99) this IS it: Figure 1. The CYBORG R.A.T. 9 Gaming Mouse, £84.99. Taken from benchmarkreviews.com. Whether committing acts of violent murder in […]
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Stupid nonce
Swizzled in the swiller, Brushelled with a buzzer, Splish splashelled and bathed, That’s the bloody shower over with! And in a waze he filled his trouser, With fleshy leggo pegs. It took forth owls and still not done, To be ready for the meeting. Ten peeples peeped at powerpeep, And of the frothy thquarters, Superintendent […]
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The early Shirley (logical foundations of the weblog)
Life is tough when you’re a white, male, heterosexual, old Etonian like me. My constant struggle against prejudice has, however, yielded philosophical insight. What follows is a translation (from Eton slang) of my [cod] philosophical investigations. Please do not be so intimidated as to think you might not understand this profound exposition of the truth. […]
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James Bond (asexual gay Lord and master of sexy epigrams)
This post is dedicated to Sirs Isaac Newton and Bobby Charlton (They don’t make them like they used to). Figure 1. Sir Bobby Charlton, “A Football Man”. Bond had just graduated from Oxford with a massive degree, inferior in magnitude only to his perception of it. The careers office recommended the civil service but little […]
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The whore of Babylon
This isn’t a joke. I’m not sure why it’s here really. I also don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. Pretentious? Why blog if not to be self indulgent? Thank you very much,
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Cloven hoof
Come on guys, pigs are all right. Always your own most devoted,
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My brother – review
Despite some flashes of interest, Raph Shirley is underwhelmed. My brother entered the scene in late 1989 and has been wowing family-occasion-goers ever since. Unfortunately, his performance has become rather stolid of late. Now he’s a sort of lumpen drudging knock off of better brothers such as David Attenborough and Ethan Cohen. In a characteristic […]
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Understatement
King James Bible: A coat of many colours. Andrew Lloyd Webber: The amazing technicolor dream coat. Best regards,
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Raph Shirley (prophet)
I was walking down the street the other day, and I bumped into this woman (I don’t know if you’ve ever met a woman, they’re basically mad hideous monsters, like men) and she’d got into her head the misguided idea to manufacture a person. Now, if it was me I would probably do this using […]
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A fair system for toilet use
My mother, Sharon Shirley, recently made the unreasonable demand that I put the seat down after using the toilet. Here is my response. Allow me to neglect poo-poo for the purposes of a thought experiment. Imagine there are two social groups A and B who require the toilet to be in states A and B […]
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Made irrelevant
Dear Mr Shirley, I regret to inform you (yes, I am aware of the absurdity of pre-emptively regretting something I am about to do) that we are unable to offer you a position at this time/ever. Unfortunately, we give preference to applicants who do not do ‘their impressions’ at interview. Furthermore, your recreation of the […]
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Our Lady
The first family circular. As a lot of you know, 1 has been a tumultuous year for the Christ family. In January, Joseph’s cries of foul play were eventually silenced by An Explanation based around frottage, and things seemed to be on the up. The lack of affordable housing continues to add to our woes […]
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A cultural relic
To be fair, why was it your friend in the first place? TB or not TB, that is the question facing agricultural ministers. Cheers,
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Doubting Thomas
The first conspiracy theorist. Cheers,
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The sinister spectre
Sorry this was a bit slow off the press. I keep meaning to get round to doing one about the wedding of Egbert and Redburga. Good bye,
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An experimental investigation into the sleeping habits of my mother
Introduction Middle aged humans are a common phenomenon that can be observed at a wide range of locales. From the wine aisle in Waitrose to that at Sainsbury they can be identified chiefly by the appearance of moderate wrinkles on their faces and bodies and by their possessing an often timid demeanour. This study is […]
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Rail rage
We’ve all been there. Cheers,
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Pumping iron
Cheers,
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American Pie 37
Transcript: Things have quietened down a little since Finchy passed. Oh, we still like a joke or two. I sometimes tease Stifler about his mom being a ‘DGGILTK’. That’s a Dead Great Grandmother I’d Like To Kiss. I changed the last word because we’re too old for all that nonsense now and I added the […]
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Woman makes strange sound in conversation
A 34 year old woman today made an unusual sound in a conversation with friends. The confused onlookers refrained from querying the woman’s meaning for fear of “embarrassment”. “It was a sort of short high pitched steam train’s toot” – Darren, 35. A number of leading sceptics have suggested it might have been a sign […]
“Third hand regurgitated Frankfurt School analysis through the lens of misunderstanding. Views not my own. All retweets ironic.”