¡gesamtkomödiewerk!
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Miss Thomas
The clearest way to describe Claire Thomas is to say she is fat. It isn’t genetic or due to some other ‘modern BS’. It is because she frequently scoffs. She scoffs indiscriminately. Domino’s Two For Tuesdays by the two, eggs by the eight, and milkshake. She loves food like an English teacher (which she is) […]
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The George Golding Professor of Contemporary Thought
Professor Harding pondered the daily problem of finding the end of the toilet roll. Every revolution of the soft pink coloured cylinder revealed nothing to the touch of his arthritic fingers. Quick to anger, he threw it at the wall; it bounced around the room and finally slam dunked its way between his wrinkled thighs […]
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Stefan Graves rambles incoherently
Stefan looked at a picture of Ed Milliband and Ed Balls queing to buy a Cornish Pasty and forced his mind to yield to his instruction that it was an image of two men at ease in their natural environment. Despite being of a socio-economic group that traditionally consumed healthy quantities of said snack (fifth […]
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An unfortunate question
Now is the time that I must face the gruesome possibility that my undergarments are beyond repair and should be replaced. Download a high-res version of this image here. So many memories. You shielded me from the world, or should I say you shielded the world from me. You enabled me to wear trousers for […]
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Man dog VI
Stolen from Joshu’s dog. I plooped the man’s legs up!
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On being a slightly fat man
Being a poem that is in no way autobiographical. When the necessity to bathe rears its smelly head. When the pants demand their weekly shed. When all hope is dread, The slightly fat man must wash and watch his disappointments unfold. The water whets his willy’s desires, And he is compelled to exercise his limbs […]
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The economy
What? I’m supposed to just listen the whole time? No. No. And no. I will have my revenge. On Stephanomics et al. Right. You should now have realised that I’m weighing in on the economy (satirically). I would first like to combine the things of being ‘in the zone’ in a sporting sense and being […]
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Valentines satire
Hi Sarah, Our union is the result of a carefully orchestrated procedure to locate a male-female pair of equal ‘attractiveness’. I find your personality delightful, which is why I was willing to sacrifice some ground on the looks front. Likewise, I’m only too aware of my own cold manner, which traditionally is frowned upon in […]
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Stefan at a dinner party
A short internal monologue from Stefan, who is at a dinner party. Stefan Right. Here it comes… Here it comes… Ok, get ready people … One person stops speaking, beat, another person cuts in just before Stefan. Stefan Oh you’ve got to be kidding me. There’s still time to make it… Is there still time […]
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My eye
I’m going to talk about my eye. For just over three years the pictures it has been showing me have degraded into a dull ache now. A soft, mild brown blur. Even things like a crying child seem to bore me. I’ve been to the doctor. He says that it is a common problem and […]
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Prey
‘Why is everybody so serious!’
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The remarkable achievements attained in the field of neuroscience
The current state of the art is described and critiqued. Avenues for further work are set forth and discussed. A prediction is made. Using only one single five million dollar functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, Professor Veronica Smith produces a picture of my brain. Over coffee she talks me through the picture and explains her […]
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A bear at McDonalds
Just imagine it!
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Merry Christmas…
… you filthy animal. 1) The past as at 1AD Largely a plagiary of Grey’s. 2) The present as at 1AD Largely a plagiary of de Zurbaran. 3) The future as at 1AD Largely a plagiary of Velazquez. No, but seriously, I wish you all well. Love to all my fellow world citizens, xxx
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Presentation to GreenLight
Here’s a little light relief before we get into the blog proper: One of the great things about being a programmer for one of the largest solar panel manufacturers in the south east is you get to do a lot of travelling. This week, I was going to Newcastle to give a talk on account […]
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Galileo you absolute wuss!
Galileo The earth moves. Vatican Say that again and we’ll kill you. Galileo Did I say it does move? I meant it doesn’t. Where do I sign? Socrates took the hemlock, Jesus bore the cross, and Galileo did a runner. I would have stood up for my beliefs like I do with this web log […]
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I’ve done a poo and it’s really important
I’ve done a poo and it’s really important. I did a poo and it was really important,
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Book on sale now!
“Thanks to the vulgar extravagances of our times it is now possible for anybody to publish a zero quality book without the hassle of having to make any effort into making it good.” – Raph Shirley, in previous blog post. All for the great price of just 14.99! Remember – buy 25 and get a […]
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Web log entry 100
Welcome to web log post number one hundred! Can you believe it?! 1) First off, a little scene from my week 2) The main body of text The bulk of this one is a script about Socrates and Rachel of Friends fame. It is partly a sideswipe at the Socratic method and partly a send […]
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A PROOF THAT THE EXTERMINATION OF OUR SUN
May, in Absence of Further Evidence, be a Necessary Evil Since it Self-Evidenty Embodies a Most Egregious and Offensive Arrogance. Written in the Year 2011 DON’T THINK I DON’T CONSIDER THE DANGER in speaking against the commonly held adoration for it. Trust that I have considered all consequences and yet continue to hold my beliefs. […]
“Third hand regurgitated Frankfurt School analysis through the lens of misunderstanding. Views not my own. All retweets ironic.”