¡gesamtkomödiewerk!
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An attempt to provoke a lawsuit for publicity purposes
Dear St James’s Palace, Please consider suing me for posting the following image. It would be very useful publicity for me. Ideally I could take the Daily Mail approach and feign dissaproval of the original publication and still give my readers the tillation of the thought of a young woman’s breasts. This already commercially viable […]
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Life on earth
And in the ancient earth, where empty ground held vacant sky, magic and sorcery gave this nothing a new vanity. Proto-life was born in an inclement world and the day’s order was suffering. The injured rock took more punishment in quantity unbound when animals looked around. And final indignity came in man making a mirror […]
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Edinburgh 2012 summary
I got two reviews. One was one star. One was four stars. That pretty much sums up the audience responses. Average star rating was therefore 2.5, half a star down on last year, but I got 2 more stars in total. Yippee! I only need a two star review and a five star one and […]
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A parody of 50 Shades of Grey by replacing Grey with Brown
Before we begin, may I politely remind you that my Edinburgh Fringe show, Computer Programmer Extraordinaire, opens tomorrow of all days! 16:45, at Globe Bar, Niddry St, 4-25 August (not 14), Free. Warning: this post contains scenes of a deeply pretentious and pompous nature. 50 Shades of Grey has successfully duped the last major group […]
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Jesus’s left one
Another little video for you heathen sons o’ bitches. All the best,
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“Hangin’ Out” unplugged session in F Major
Hello, A little web cam’ vid’: There will be no songs in the show. Thank god! Best wishes for the future, P.S. You may watch this video as many times as you like! *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Conclusion in unexplainable high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming […]
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Eviction
I thought secretly living in my parents garden was going to work out… The plan to be covert was going pretty perfectly until my dad followed the daisy chained power adapters to the shed and uncovered my den of sin. It was Friday night when it happened. 9pm and I’m layin’ on the bed sewing […]
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Edinburgh Preview at 9.30pm on 22 July @ The Hen and Chickens
Hello, Please come to my Edinburgh Preview at 9.30pm on Sunday 22 July at the Hen and Chickens Theatre Bar, Islington. I’d like it if you did. Buy tickets here. Or pay on the night to save £0.75 you cheap skate. If you’re in to Facebook events: https://www.facebook.com/events/499420723407199/ Many thanks, *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus […]
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Man Dog VII
To whom it may concern, Sayonara, baby (translation of “Hasta la vista, baby” in Spanish Terminator 2 over-dub), *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Method Section in devastating high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming Edinburgh show, I am releasing an audio recording of last year’s show, Philosophical Investigations. […]
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Computer Programmer Extraordinaire
Dear potential friend/enemy, I’m taking a brand new show to the Edinburgh festival again. Do come! *************************** BONUS MATERIAL *************************** Bonus material – Philosophical Investigations Introduction in heart breaking high definition audio As part of a scheme to promote my forthcoming Edinburgh show, I am releasing an audio recording of last year’s show, Philosophical Investigations. I’m releasing […]
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A recount of a tough crowd
In the land of small and unappreciative audiences; Raph Shirley’s 2011 début Edinburgh solo show. I think the worst show at last year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival was the one I did to a solitary ninety year old man. He’d got lost on his way to the military tattoo. Old people often can’t see very well, […]
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Reflections on the Hubble Deep Field image
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” – Albert Einstein. Turns out Einstein was better at Physics than jokes. “In awe I watched the waxing moon ride across the zenith of the heavens like an ambered chariot towards the ebon void of infinite space wherein […]
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Diamond Jubilee commemorative plate for sale one hundred pounds
Everybody! Try being vulgar about public figures! It’s fun! See you,
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The conclusion of every Channel 4 documentary ever made is:
I’d like to thank all Channel 4 producers and commissioners for their valuable insights into the obesity epidemic. All the best you fat fucks,
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Hemel Hempstead AMateur dramatics Society (HHAMS)
“Imagine creating something and giving it both consciousness and a rectum. What sick joke is this? And then Jesus has the audacity to say ‘consider the lily.’ Yes, it’s easy when you’re a lily, sans-bum-hole. I did consider the lily and then I shat myself.” – Raph Shirley, Hemel Hempstead, 2011. When you’re a busy […]
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Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani launches internet cartoon competition
Emergency extra blog post. I just read this in the Guardian. Iranian MP, Ahmad Lotfi Ashtiani, took offence to a cartoon by Mahmoud Shokraye. The cartoonist was then sentenced to 25 lashes for the crime. Ashtiani has therefore, in playing with the serpents tail, effectively challenged the global internet to produce as foul a portrait […]
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On sex with a slightly fat man
Yielding to the cycle of guilt, hunger, and McDonalds (oh the vortex!), the slightly fat man builds himself a vile home. ‘You see, at the heart of sex lies a contradiction. The show of abandon and the reality of forethought embodied and emphasized by the prophylactic’ I’m sittin’ w’ Claire in a McDonald’s on an […]
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Accidental booze cruise
Friday, 1700h, I’ve just finished programming a total hog of a Dell XPS 15. The rain knocks on my window and I’m compelled to literally run outside to demonstrate my quasi-youth (thirty one) by taking part in a typical Friday night out, that will no doubt involve significant use of the the sound ‘woooo’. I’m […]
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Sheer Power Alert
As you almost certainly will have heard, last summer I holidayed in [Las] Vegas (baby!). Trouble is, whilst I had arranged to go with my mates, there was a catastrophic breakdown in communications and I ended up arriving a week before them, thus being forced to holiday alone in a big bad city of sleaze […]
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A proposal concerning a change of use for Buckingham Palace
Due to a freedom of information request I have come into possession of this letter from government records. It seems to be a memo from George Osborne to David Cameron. I decided to risk libel action for publishing it, for ethical/heroic reasons. To The Rt Hon David Cameron MP Prime Minister, As you know, the […]
“Third hand regurgitated Frankfurt School analysis through the lens of misunderstanding. Views not my own. All retweets ironic.”